Irregular Thoughts

Hi.

Apparently, this blog has become my safe haven for when love fails me, yet again, and I need somewhere to just get out all my thoughts and feelings without being worried about what people think or if I'm being dramatic.

SO, let's cut the crap.

What happened?

After the shitshow of Sept 2019 - Feb 2020 in which I endured 'breakup' after break up with the same guy who just couldn't make up his mind whether I was good enough for him or not - and as a result, completely destroying my trust in any kind of male species and wanting to stay away from them for the foreseeable future - we then embraced lockdown.

Lockdown was a blessing in disguise for me. It took me away from uni where that godforsaken boy was and let me focus on myself - working out, revising for online uni exams, achieving personal goals, and generally just becoming happy being alone again. 10/10, would recommend - even though it took a few months, as the blogpost I posted in May suggested (we ended things in February), by the summertime, I was happy and ready for whatever was coming my way.

Then, we get to August...on a lovely summers evening with one of my best friends and friends from work, I get obscenely drunk and end up at my friend's house and inviting another guy from work who I'd been talking to every now and then...flirty wine drunk Rosie knew exactly what she wanted. 

So from those first innocent kisses in August, myself and unnamed guy then went on walking dates, we watched a few films (we worked together, hence the lack of social distancing), we binged Outerbanks, we went on car dates (without shagging I might add) with a takeaway and watching the stars (even though the first time it was completely cloudy). 

The whole time we were both completely aware of the situation. He came out of a long-term relationship in the same February that I came out of my trainwreck situationship - so we both weren't looking for anything serious... PLUS I was going back to uni in September and was potentially heading off to America the next year (this coming August for a year.) Despite this, we were clearing really enjoying each others company. The day before I left for uni we went on a walk and then he came back and helped me pack, he came to visit me at uni in October for the weekend when we finally did the deed (you can make them wait for it ladies) and then when I came home in November for my reading week, we went on a walk almost every day. 

BASICALLY, I was falling head over heels for this guy as each month went on - not hard to do when he's 6ft 3 (I think), plays semi-pro football, is gorgeous & charming, and doesn't have to dump you once a month just to keep you on your toes (ahem...dickhead n1.) 

Anyway, at long last, this happiness had to end...surely...that's what happens to all happy things right?

Christmas comes and goes, still getting closer but still taking it slow, not buying each other serious presents etc. January still seems good, until the last couple of weeks when I begin to notice he's not calling me duck anymore, isn't sending me memes or tiktoks (seems insignificant but I used to get like 10 a day so BEAR WITH ME), and when you're the only one suggesting to go on walks. 

So, the end of January rolls around, I know we have to talk about it - basically long story short, he isn't mentally ready for a relationship, we call it off because it's not fair on me to keep it going when I clearly was ready for something more - and I am well and truly crushed like a bloody crunchy leaf and someone's big boots stepping on it. I really thought I'd actually found someone who wanted me. And I'm sure he did, and almost still does (or I'm just telling myself that to make myself feel better), but HOW MANY TIMES do I have to go through the same shit of feeling like I've found the right person but it always being the wrong time for them. When is it going to be the right time!!! I had my mum giving me hugs and telling me I'll find the person for me. I'm young, I'll be 21 in June, but why do I feel like my mum saying "don't worry you'll find your person", is an acknowledgement that I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY BLOODY PERSON.

I'm back in that same old shitty cycle of posting on my private story to just try and show them what I'm doing and constantly wanting to know how they are / what they're thinking and seeing so many bloody tiktoks about falling for someone and them not wanting you back (thank you my FYP for really attacking me rn.) I literally sat yesterday hugging my sofa cushion because it smelt of his aftershave...like women, please get a grip. I've SOBBED my eyes out for the past four bloody days, FOUR DAYS OF TEARS for someone who probably won't matter in four years (hopefully four months but I'm being realistic.) 

I know I'll be okay, I've done it before and I can do it again. But it really does feel shit at this point, especially when it took so much more for me to trust this guy because of the last dickhead. I can't eat, I can't focus on work, I'm completely unmotivated to work out. I'm annoyed how certain I am that I know this will past because I've been through this bloody heartbreak so many times. 

So yeah, that's how my life is going.

I kind of hope no one reads this because it's very detailed...I'm kind of treating this blog as my own cathartic confessional now. Anytime I need to get my feelings out, we come here. 

Might go cry now xxx