Irregular Thoughts

    I don't consider myself to have been one of those girls who has gone through hell and back with boy after boy. I don't think I've had the hardest time with building relationships or letting them fall down, which is evident by the fact that I'd say I have good friendships with all of the guys I've let into my life in that way (I say all like there's been a lot...there has not.)
But even if I don't think I've had the hardest time purely because I haven't been emotionally used just for sex or been cheated on or experienced anything too damaging with guys - that doesn't mean I can't claim to have felt hurt, or just upset about how things might have panned out.

   Approaching the age of twenty, I've had what I would consider three or four relationships, with two of these being more of a 'situation-ship'.
I remember my 'first love' at the age of, I think, fifteen and going through many of the early stages with him, growing as a person over the two years (shock I know right?) that we were together and feeling as if nothing in life would cure my 'heartbreak' when he ended it.
I remember feeling as if it was ridiculous, that four months later, I was still not over it. It wasn't as if I couldn't talk or see him in person comfortably, in fact, I was fine with that and have been since one of those people who really likes normalising getting on with exes and being able to be friends - but that doesn't mean I didn't find it difficult seeing his instagram photos or how he was getting on with life and the fact that I wasn't involved.

    Fast forward to five years later and I almost feel like I'm in the same scenario except I wasn't even in a labelled relationship and it lasted a mere four or so months.
It's difficult. What this recent experience has taught me is that it's okay to feel. I often said straight after this 'situationship' ended that it was stupid for me to be upset because we weren't even 'official'. But what does official even mean?
Just because it didn't have a label doesn't mean it's not okay for you to be upset that your normality for the past few months has suddenly been uprooted and changed.
Another similarity I drew from this experience was the time it takes for me to heal when I truly feel for someone. It's been around three months and I still feel myself sometimes clinging onto the hope that there could still be something there. It wasn't until I talked to myself aloud (crazy I know) and acknowledged my feelings and the fact that the feelings are okay, that I realised I could start to accept reality.

This one was especially tough because for the first time since my first long-term relationship, I actually felt as if I could have had something long-term and for real.
It's difficult when you feel something is so right but the other feels that it isn't. You begin to question yourself, were you delusional the whole time? Were you blind to problems? Not at all!
You've been hit with the awful cliche, 'It's not me, it's you' - and GOSH I feel like I've heard that one too many times.

But ultimately, what the end of relationships bring you is a time to refocus on yourself. Take time to understand how you've changed, forget about the fact that you might have seen something differently to them, accept that if they don't think it's the right thing for them, then no matter how right you might think it feels, it's not right for you either!
And if I think about it more - with my first relationship, I distinctly remember a day six months later when I fully acknowledged being completely over it. Sure I was still friends with them and hoped they'd do well in life, but I didn't care about what they were doing and how I wasn't involved - and it felt like freedom. I suppose I'm reflecting on this now because I am excited for the day that I can fully say I feel the same way about my most recent experience. I'm excited to be able to just have a normal chat with them and not have one hundred and one thoughts going on in my head before, during and after.

Essentially, what I think I'm trying to say here is number one, it's okay to feel rubbish, number two, it's important to acknowledge these feelings and claim them, number three, it's then important to question the feelings and make yourself realise that it has 99% of the time ended for good reason, even if you think it's still bad at the time.