at 14:32

Heartbreak sucks

Hi.

Apparently, this blog has become my safe haven for when love fails me, yet again, and I need somewhere to just get out all my thoughts and feelings without being worried about what people think or if I'm being dramatic.

SO, let's cut the crap.

What happened?

After the shitshow of Sept 2019 - Feb 2020 in which I endured 'breakup' after break up with the same guy who just couldn't make up his mind whether I was good enough for him or not - and as a result, completely destroying my trust in any kind of male species and wanting to stay away from them for the foreseeable future - we then embraced lockdown.

Lockdown was a blessing in disguise for me. It took me away from uni where that godforsaken boy was and let me focus on myself - working out, revising for online uni exams, achieving personal goals, and generally just becoming happy being alone again. 10/10, would recommend - even though it took a few months, as the blogpost I posted in May suggested (we ended things in February), by the summertime, I was happy and ready for whatever was coming my way.

Then, we get to August...on a lovely summers evening with one of my best friends and friends from work, I get obscenely drunk and end up at my friend's house and inviting another guy from work who I'd been talking to every now and then...flirty wine drunk Rosie knew exactly what she wanted. 

So from those first innocent kisses in August, myself and unnamed guy then went on walking dates, we watched a few films (we worked together, hence the lack of social distancing), we binged Outerbanks, we went on car dates (without shagging I might add) with a takeaway and watching the stars (even though the first time it was completely cloudy). 

The whole time we were both completely aware of the situation. He came out of a long-term relationship in the same February that I came out of my trainwreck situationship - so we both weren't looking for anything serious... PLUS I was going back to uni in September and was potentially heading off to America the next year (this coming August for a year.) Despite this, we were clearing really enjoying each others company. The day before I left for uni we went on a walk and then he came back and helped me pack, he came to visit me at uni in October for the weekend when we finally did the deed (you can make them wait for it ladies) and then when I came home in November for my reading week, we went on a walk almost every day. 

BASICALLY, I was falling head over heels for this guy as each month went on - not hard to do when he's 6ft 3 (I think), plays semi-pro football, is gorgeous & charming, and doesn't have to dump you once a month just to keep you on your toes (ahem...dickhead n1.) 

Anyway, at long last, this happiness had to end...surely...that's what happens to all happy things right?

Christmas comes and goes, still getting closer but still taking it slow, not buying each other serious presents etc. January still seems good, until the last couple of weeks when I begin to notice he's not calling me duck anymore, isn't sending me memes or tiktoks (seems insignificant but I used to get like 10 a day so BEAR WITH ME), and when you're the only one suggesting to go on walks. 

So, the end of January rolls around, I know we have to talk about it - basically long story short, he isn't mentally ready for a relationship, we call it off because it's not fair on me to keep it going when I clearly was ready for something more - and I am well and truly crushed like a bloody crunchy leaf and someone's big boots stepping on it. I really thought I'd actually found someone who wanted me. And I'm sure he did, and almost still does (or I'm just telling myself that to make myself feel better), but HOW MANY TIMES do I have to go through the same shit of feeling like I've found the right person but it always being the wrong time for them. When is it going to be the right time!!! I had my mum giving me hugs and telling me I'll find the person for me. I'm young, I'll be 21 in June, but why do I feel like my mum saying "don't worry you'll find your person", is an acknowledgement that I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY BLOODY PERSON.

I'm back in that same old shitty cycle of posting on my private story to just try and show them what I'm doing and constantly wanting to know how they are / what they're thinking and seeing so many bloody tiktoks about falling for someone and them not wanting you back (thank you my FYP for really attacking me rn.) I literally sat yesterday hugging my sofa cushion because it smelt of his aftershave...like women, please get a grip. I've SOBBED my eyes out for the past four bloody days, FOUR DAYS OF TEARS for someone who probably won't matter in four years (hopefully four months but I'm being realistic.) 

I know I'll be okay, I've done it before and I can do it again. But it really does feel shit at this point, especially when it took so much more for me to trust this guy because of the last dickhead. I can't eat, I can't focus on work, I'm completely unmotivated to work out. I'm annoyed how certain I am that I know this will past because I've been through this bloody heartbreak so many times. 

So yeah, that's how my life is going.

I kind of hope no one reads this because it's very detailed...I'm kind of treating this blog as my own cathartic confessional now. Anytime I need to get my feelings out, we come here. 

Might go cry now xxx

at 19:51

Finding yourself again after a relationship

    I don't consider myself to have been one of those girls who has gone through hell and back with boy after boy. I don't think I've had the hardest time with building relationships or letting them fall down, which is evident by the fact that I'd say I have good friendships with all of the guys I've let into my life in that way (I say all like there's been a lot...there has not.)
But even if I don't think I've had the hardest time purely because I haven't been emotionally used just for sex or been cheated on or experienced anything too damaging with guys - that doesn't mean I can't claim to have felt hurt, or just upset about how things might have panned out.

   Approaching the age of twenty, I've had what I would consider three or four relationships, with two of these being more of a 'situation-ship'.
I remember my 'first love' at the age of, I think, fifteen and going through many of the early stages with him, growing as a person over the two years (shock I know right?) that we were together and feeling as if nothing in life would cure my 'heartbreak' when he ended it.
I remember feeling as if it was ridiculous, that four months later, I was still not over it. It wasn't as if I couldn't talk or see him in person comfortably, in fact, I was fine with that and have been since one of those people who really likes normalising getting on with exes and being able to be friends - but that doesn't mean I didn't find it difficult seeing his instagram photos or how he was getting on with life and the fact that I wasn't involved.

    Fast forward to five years later and I almost feel like I'm in the same scenario except I wasn't even in a labelled relationship and it lasted a mere four or so months.
It's difficult. What this recent experience has taught me is that it's okay to feel. I often said straight after this 'situationship' ended that it was stupid for me to be upset because we weren't even 'official'. But what does official even mean?
Just because it didn't have a label doesn't mean it's not okay for you to be upset that your normality for the past few months has suddenly been uprooted and changed.
Another similarity I drew from this experience was the time it takes for me to heal when I truly feel for someone. It's been around three months and I still feel myself sometimes clinging onto the hope that there could still be something there. It wasn't until I talked to myself aloud (crazy I know) and acknowledged my feelings and the fact that the feelings are okay, that I realised I could start to accept reality.

Relationships are a tough road. They bring you so much joy and then the minute one comes crashing all the joy just says cya!! 

This one was especially tough because for the first time since my first long-term relationship, I actually felt as if I could have had something long-term and for real.
It's difficult when you feel something is so right but the other feels that it isn't. You begin to question yourself, were you delusional the whole time? Were you blind to problems? Not at all!
You've been hit with the awful cliche, 'It's not me, it's you' - and GOSH I feel like I've heard that one too many times.

But ultimately, what the end of relationships bring you is a time to refocus on yourself. Take time to understand how you've changed, forget about the fact that you might have seen something differently to them, accept that if they don't think it's the right thing for them, then no matter how right you might think it feels, it's not right for you either!
And if I think about it more - with my first relationship, I distinctly remember a day six months later when I fully acknowledged being completely over it. Sure I was still friends with them and hoped they'd do well in life, but I didn't care about what they were doing and how I wasn't involved - and it felt like freedom. I suppose I'm reflecting on this now because I am excited for the day that I can fully say I feel the same way about my most recent experience. I'm excited to be able to just have a normal chat with them and not have one hundred and one thoughts going on in my head before, during and after.

Essentially, what I think I'm trying to say here is number one, it's okay to feel rubbish, number two, it's important to acknowledge these feelings and claim them, number three, it's then important to question the feelings and make yourself realise that it has 99% of the time ended for good reason, even if you think it's still bad at the time.

And finally, once you've reached that, you can move on to becoming your better self and being the brilliant person that you are, hunny you gon' slay.

at 16:33

Isolation thoughts

Literally only adding this photo so there's an image on the feed.

For the third time in my life, I have resorted back to my trusty old blog when I have essentially run out of other things to do. 

I remember starting this blog back in around 2013, a little teenager who aspired to be like the golden era of bloggers and youtubers - oh how I was wrong aha.
Despite not achieving the instant fame, pr packages and gratification that I thought I wanted, this little blog kept me going and brought me lots of happiness and as well as a good tool to fuel procrastination!
Now if I think about it - I have changed a lot in the past seven years (bloody hell that's longer than I thought!), but here I am again, procrastinating from revising for my second year university exams that are somehow still ongoing despite the current situation, by returning to this blog for the third time.

Who knows, maybe returning to my blog for a post or two, then forgetting about it for a few years will be one of those weird recurring things in my life that I can't seem to stop myself from doing? 

Again, similarly to the last time this blog received a resurgence (which lasted around one blog post...solid), I'm really only here because I need somewhere to write out my thoughts. Considering the failures of this last time, I should probably take it as a hint to just buy a diary and write my sporadic and pretty pointless thoughts in there, but alas - here I am!


This current situation is a weird one. We've got so much time, but I almost feel like I have no time at all (I should be revising right now, I will probably regret this later.)
It's almost as if the time I have for revising and doing productive things like becoming a skinny legend and tik tok famous (lol pls follow me xoxo) whizzes by, whilst there is bucket and bucket loads of time to ponder my most inner, deepest thoughts EVER.

Seriously!! I feel as if in the past month or so that I've thought more than I ever have done before.

I never considered myself someone who did or did not think a lot, but recently it is like my brain is in overdrive, but not with useless things such as exam content but instead with never-ending questions about when will this all be over, what is actually happening with the world, what da f is going on?

I've also noticed that for the first time in my life, I have actually realised and acknowledged that my mental health exists. 

I consider myself generally a pretty happy person. Yes, everyone has their issues, their ups and downs, but I've never really experienced anything too intense, and for that I am grateful. However, in these past few weeks I must say that this has really taken a toll on my feelings and I've definitely become more aware of the fact that it is okay to have down days and it is okay to not always feel on top of the world.
I don't really feel like dwelling on this - I'm in a good mood now, we'll put that down to avoiding revising and writing this instead...but if I take one thing out of lockdown, it will be that I'm glad to have realised that I am a human and just because I don't feel it as constantly and as deeply as others, it is okay to acknowledge your mental health, in fact, it is important to do so.

On a different note, the problem this blog always suffered from was forcefulness. 

When I was trying to become an 'influencer', before that term was even really a thing, I constantly felt the need to post. Not because I wanted to or had anything particularly interesting to talk about, but because I wasn't going to achieve my 'goal' if I didn't.

Now, an older and wiser me (big lol) realises that goals are ever-changing and that is indeed, even if it was then, not one of my goals now.

And on that note, because I don't want to bore anyone reading (if anyone actually reads this) and because I need to get back to revising for exams (yes, they have not been cancelled...I know) and I equally am semi bored of writing - Ima leave it here.

Thanks for blessing me with some of your lockdown time by reading this.

x